A Chance To Be Perfect
by Hetaliadict
Summary: Feliciano Vargas, otherwise known as Italia Veneziano, had a problem...not that he'd ever admit to it. Ever since the death of his best friend he hadn't been able to see himself the same way ever again. No...he wasn't the talented, handsome boy he once thought he was...now the was the pathetic, useless, worthless,...fat person...who just took up space...but all that will change.
1. Murderer

He was gone…and he was never coming back…ever...

Feliciano knew this…but his heart still ached for the boy he loved. He sat on a chair by the window, playing with the apron he wore over his dress. He felt sick to his stomach after the news Austria had told him. Hungary had done her best to make Feliciano feel better, but to no avail. Feliciano felt broken…alone in the world, despite being surrounded by friends and family…but he only wanted one friend…Holy Rome…the thought of him being gone from this world made him want to leave the world too.

Everyone assumed Feliciano was too young to think this way, but he wasn't. As young as he was in appearance, he was an old soul. He had lived through watching his grandfather pass away, which scared him for life. He lived through countless attacks on his land, which he defended bravely. He lived through quite a bit more…and this was just the cherry on top. It made his heart sink into his chest, shrinking a bit more every day, and every time he thought of the boy he loved.

He had sat there in that chair for a whole day straight. Hungary brought food in for the other, and left it on his desk. He didn't even turn to look at it. How could he eat at a moment like this…how could he eat…when his best friend had died…a young boy is dead…and he received food!? What in the world had he done to deserve food! Nothing. All he does is sit around, and get into trouble, and get yelled at by numerous people. He didn't deserve to eat the food…Holy Rome…he deserved to eat the food…he deserved to live. All these thoughts that the young Feliciano had racing in his mind triggered more thoughts, and those thoughts made others come up as well.

He began crying again, for the fifth time that day. He did not sob, for this time it wasn't about the loss of his friend… but the loss of his self worth. He felt dead inside, and that way he would remain till the day he died…or at least he suspected that was how it would be. Feliciano rubbed his eyes clean of tears, and stood up. He grabbed the scissors from his desk, and began violently chopping off his wavy locks of hair. Snip after snip, hair fell to his feet. When he was done, he looked into his mirror. He looked a mess, but he didn't care…at least now he looked how he felt. Horrible. Disgusting. Pathetic. Worthless…the list went on in Feliciano's mind.

Austria came into the room eventually to check on Feliciano. He stood in the doorway in shock from what he saw. Feliciano had shredded all of his dresses to pieces with the scissors, and his bare hands. The scraps of material lay scattered across the floor, and a barely clad Feliciano lay across them. Exhausted, he had fallen asleep when he had finished his destructive behavior. That was the day when Hungary and Austria decided to take Feliciano out to buy some new clothing.

The next day, when Feliciano was a little bit more calm, they took Feli to the tailors to get some nice, normal boy clothing for him. The tailor fitted him and smiled cheerfully. "My…what a cute little boy you have here." The old man smiled, and showed Feliciano to a place to stand so he could take measurements. He moved the measuring tape from one part of Feli's body to another. "My…you're so chubby." He said in a soft voice, chuckling playfully, and poked Feliciano in the belly, trying to get him to laugh. He didn't laugh. He didn't even flinch. He just stood there, feeling nothing. He hated himself enough already for letting Holy Rome die…(by now he was blaming his death on himself…for some reason feeling as if he could have done something to prevent it from ever happening).

Hungary just smiled and nodded to the tailor, agreeing. "he sure is…he's just so adorable." She smiled, Austria nodding as well as he sat in the chair next to her. They left the tailors after he had his measurements done, and walked to the barbers, where the man working there chopped off all of Feli's uneven hair, leaving his hair so short you could see his scalp…but it would grow back out quickly…it always did. When Feli was through all of this pampering, he got into the carriage with Austria and Hungary and rode back home.

When there, he went into his room, and lay on his bed, staring up at the canopy above him. He let out a deep sigh, and heard his stomach growl. "SHUT UP!" he screamed at himself, trying to will away the hunger. "Leave me alone...I don't deserve it…go away…" he ordered his stomach. As if by magic, which at the time, Feliciano believed it to be magic, his stomach stopped growling, and he felt better. He didn't eat again that day, which made him feel a bit better each day. Sure…he didn't have the energy to do much other than sleep…but he couldn't tolerate the guilt he knew he would feel if he ate.

The words the tailor had said to him stuck in his head the whole day. When he didn't feel too dizzy or sick, he stood up, walked to his mirror, and put a hand over his stomach, then poked it, then squeezed it. He felt angry. He was chubby…fat. He was gluttonous…that was one of the seven deadly sins…His first thought was that he was surely going to go to hell now. He had eaten too much in his life so far, and look where it got him. He was now a sinner for eating so much, a murderer for sending Holy Rome off to his death, and a coward for not doing anything about his problems.

He looked himself dead in the eye, staring deep into the mirror. He had feminine eyes…a feminine face…in general a girlish body. Feminine and girlish meant weak…he was weak. With being weak came being pathetic…worthless, pointless…a waist of space. Thought after thought tumbled around Feliciano's head, his mind creating one terrible thing after another…showing Feli all the faults he never knew he had. All the imperfections with his body, personality…everything. By the end of his inspection of himself, he came to the conclusion that he needed to fix himself…to better himself. He couldn't be a burden on his friends anymore…he couldn't let anyone die ever again…he couldn't smile honestly ever again…

He couldn't eat ever again.

October third, 2013 (German unity day)

Feliciano woke up that morning laying in someone else's bed, though it was so familiar to him. He looked around, and saw he was alone…just as he was every morning. He sighed, and got up, stretching like a cat as he stood. With one soft step at a time across the wooden floor, he woke up more. He walked to his folded pile of clothes (folded by Ludwig of course), and put them on. He smiled at the note that was left on top of them. It was a simple note, explaining that the German had gone out for a quick jog and would be right back as soon as he was done.

Little did Ludwig know, Feliciano himself had gone for a run too. Just as he did every day. He'd always be too tired to show off his superior running skills during training, but in the mornings when he woke up around three or four, he was awake and alert. That morning, he had put on sweats and a hoodie, and quietly left the bed, the room, then the house. He ran down the lighted sidewalks for five miles, then ran five miles back home. He was so tired when he got back. He packed his sweats away in his suit case again, and crawled back into the bed with Ludwig, and cuddled up to him. Feliciano was burning hot from his run, and Ludwig shifted away from the uncomfortable heat. Feli's heart fell flat, and he moved away, feeling rejected. After a few moments of laying there, he finally managed to get to sleep.

So, when Feliciano got up that morning, got dressed, and read his note, he chuckled to himself, feeling proud that he still hadn't been found out after all of these years. He'd love to wake up earlier one of these days and go on a run with Ludwig just to prove to him he was fast and strong too…to impress him.

_There's nothing impressive about you. He'd never be impressed by anything you do. _

Feli sighed at the voice in his head…his voice, telling him all these negative things all the time. He plastered on his fake smile, and walked over to the bathroom. He opened the door, and walked in before stepping onto the electric scale Ludwig had on the floor. He had bought it to track of his weight, not that it was really a problem for Ludwig. Feli looked down at the small, square screen and waited for the number to pop up.

110 lbs.

He felt tears well up in his eyes. Why did he have to be so damn heavy!? What had he done wrong!? He exercised like mad to burn off calories, and he barely ate anything until…until the evening rolled around…

This new habit of him hadn't been there until about fifteen years ago, so it was fairly new in Feli's time scheme. Every night it seemed, or at least most nights, when Feli hadn't eaten anything all day, or in two days…He would boil a huge pot of water, and cook all the pasta he could grab in his hands, eating all of it within only a few hours. He remembered the extreme pasta binge he had had last night after Ludwig went to bed, and felt awful. He stepped off of the scale, and looked himself in the mirror.

_Fat ass_

With those two words stuck in his mind, he walked over to the toilet, eyes filled with determination…no sign of fear. He got onto his knees, bent over, stuck two fingers as far back into his throat as he could, and pressed down on the back of his tongue. Within moments all the food left in his stomach from last night came up, and emptied themselves into the toilet beneath him. This lasted for about ten minutes, until he was dry heaving into the toilet, only bile and water coming up now. He stood up on shaky legs, took off his clothes, and walked back over to the scale.

108.8 lbs

He gave a triumphant smile. A smile not normally seen on the Italian. He looked almost deranged…not himself…but he also looked happy…honestly happy…not his fake happy that he put on for everyone else.

"I'll be at my goal soon…and just you wait…wait and see just how strong I can be." He said to his reflection with fierce eyes.

He put his clothes back on and went down to the kitchen to begin cooking breakfast for Ludwig. He made some for himself too, just to make it look like he ate. He put the food on two plates when he finished cooking, and began cutting his up. He poured over three fourths of it into the sink's blender, and with the rest, smashed it, mixed it around the plate, added some salt and pepper to the eggs and potatoes, and even put some of the food into Ludwig's dog's bowls (which the three dogs immediately ate when they smelled it)

Soon enough, Ludwig opened the door, and stepped inside. He smiled softly when he saw Feliciano, a bright flush on his face. Feli blamed it on the run. Ludwig blamed it on Feliciano. He nodded at him silently and ran upstairs to get cleaned off. He came back down moments later and sat at the table, and began eating, thanking Feliciano for the delicious food.

"Aren't you going to have some?" he asked Feliciano after taking and swallowing his fourth bite.

Feliciano giggled cutely, and smiled. His eyes were closed like they normally were, trying not to show off his dead amber eyes. His smile was fake, but it was so perfected that no one could tell the difference between his fake smile, and someone's real smile.

"Oh, don't you worry, Germany…I already ate."


	2. Forgetful

Ludwig nodded his head, and went back to eating, paying no mind to Italy's comment. He kept looking up though and glanced at Italy when Feli wasn't looking. Just a simple glance made his heart beat faster, and his face flush. He'd just blame it on the run, or the shower. Feliciano wasn't the only one good at excuses…

But he sure as hell was better at them.

When Ludwig was done, Feliciano took his plate, and washed them in the sink, before drying them, and stacking them in the cupboards. He began cleaning the whole kitchen. Sweeping, scrubbing, wiping, disinfecting…doing everything he could to make Ludwig happy. Ludwig would like him if he made things clean, he told himself.

_Ludwig would like you if you weren't so fat. _

Feli just kept the smile on his face, trying to ignore the bad thoughts, because he knew that he'd be skinny soon enough. Then he'd have Ludwig's love…then he'd feel better about himself…then other's wouldn't view him as all the bad things he thought about himself. He'd be better. Stronger. . . Perfect.

Feliciano always strived for perfection. He was always tidying his room up, though no one really could tell because it was always a mess by the end of the day. He was always organizing, and reorganizing his work papers, and files in his study. He was constantly dusting, and vacuuming. But the toughest thing he had to be perfect at was making people happy…which he felt he failed at.

_Ludwig didn't enjoy the food you made…_he thought to himself, and he sighed. His thoughts were probably right…he failed…he didn't make Ludwig happy this morning…just like every other day…the only time he made Ludwig happy was when they were separated, and Ludwig didn't have to baby sit him.

Feliciano mentally slapped himself for being such a screw up and making Ludwig's life a mess.

_He'd be better off without you. You don't deserve him…you'll never deserve him…you don't even deserve trash…you're the scum of the earth you murderer. _

With that last thought, Feliciano accidentally let a tear or two escape. He hadn't thought that in a few months…he hoped that those feelings of him being a murderer were gone…but apparently not. He wiped his eyes before Ludwig could see, but it was too late. Ludwig stood up and walked to him, grabbing his wrist.

"Are you okay, Felicaino?" he asked, worried for his friend. Feli sniffled, and wiped his eyes again with his free hand. "Si! Of course, just all this cleaning I got dust in my eyes, silly!" he chuckled adorably, cheeks red against his pale skin. Being so close to Feliciano, he noticed how pale his skin was.

He let go of Feli's wrist, and grabbed his cheeks in his hands. "Feli…dear Gott…you're as pale as my bruder…are you alright?" he asked, and felt Feliciano's clammy forehead. Feliciano gulped nervously. No one had really checked to see if he was alright before…no one other than Antonio actually…Antonio caught onto things pretty quickly when it concerned the Italy brothers (especially Romano of course)…he wasn't as thick as he appeared.

"S-si…don't worry about me, Ludwig…I'm totally fine…it's probably from all this cleaning! It's the most exercising I've done this week!" he lied through his teeth. "I'm okay." He assured. Ludwig gently and absentmindedly stroked Feli's forehead and cheek with his thumb.

"…" he didn't say anything, feeling embarrassed when he realized what he was doing, and turned away, blushing deeply, and walked off in a brisk pace. Feli was left standing there alone, feeling baffled. "…L-Ludwig?" he whispered out in confusion as to what just happened. The feeling of Ludwig's hands on his face lingered, and he smiled softly, before the bad thoughts interfered…again.

_Why in the world would he ever love you? Don't even get that thought into your head! You know how worthless he, and the whole world (literally) thinks you are! Don't get conceded you gluttonous fat ass!_

He sighed, trying to clean more to distract himself. Moments later, Ludwig came back into the room wearing a very nice work suit. Just the sight of Ludwig dressed so nicely made his heart flutter…just as it made Ludwig's heart flutter to see Feliciano wearing one of his cooking aprons (especially the one Prussia had gotten him that said: Kiss me, I'm German).

"Italien…we have a meeting today in an hour…did you forget…again?" he asked, a grim look on his face, maybe even a slight glare…when in reality, Ludwig was trying his hardest not to scowl…he was trying to smile actually…and look how well that was turning out.

Feliciano paled even more at the scary look Ludwig was giving him. He shook his head. "N-non! I-I didn't forget…I just lost track of time…I'll go get dressed…s-sorry!" he stuttered nervously, and put the cleaning supplies down, and dashed up the stairs in sheer fear and embarrassment.

"Dio…I thought he was going to kill me!" he muttered loudly to himself, and looked through his suitcase for his suits. He found mostly sweats, and casual clothes he wore for eating and going out into town. Finally, he came across his work suits, and took one out. He stripped to his underwear, and pulled the suit onto him. It was baggy and lose on him, hanging on him like he was a hanger too small to hold the clothing on. He looked at the body length mirror Ludwig had hanging up behind his door, and sighed harshly. He began gripping at the suit, pulling at it, trying to stretch the stiff material. It felt too tight on Feliciano…he'd rather wear sweats…but he actually never let anyone see him when he wore his sweats…he must look presentable in front of all of his friends…no…he had no friends…everyone hated him…he had to look presentable in front of his coworkers…but he felt like even that was too strong of a word, seeing as he felt that none of the nations wanted to, nor enjoyed working with Feliciano in the slightest bit.

He took deep breaths, and finally left the room after putting his shoes on. He walked down the stairs and presented himself to Ludwig. He was wearing a handsome, dark navy blue suit, with thin silver stripes running down it. The outfit suited Feliciano very well…though Ludwig noticed it looked a bit off on him.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay, Italien?" he asked, wanting to reach out to caress Feli's face once more, but decided it wasn't a good idea, so he didn't. Feliciano rolled his eyes playfully. "Si! Ludwig, don't be so silly, or worried. I'm. Fine. Si?" he smiled sweetly up at him, eyes remaining close. To Ludwig, it almost looked like Feliciano was tilting his head up for a kiss, but as soon as the thought came, he shoved the thought away, too afraid to think that sort of thing, fearing that Feliciano had a way of hearing his thoughts.

The well dressed Italian walked to the door.

"Well…are you coming? You can drive…I'm feeling a little tired…I'll take a siesta in the car." He smiled, opened the door, and left the house, walking to Ludwig's BMW. The two of them got into the car. Ludwig started the engine, and Feliciano laid back in the passenger's seat, falling to sleep quickly.

The car ride was very quick, seeing as the meeting was being held in Berlin (hence the reason why Feliciano was over at Ludwig's house and not his own.) Ludwig got out of the car, and opened Feliciano's door, gently shaking his arm to wake the sleeping Italian. He awoke with a start, but then smiled at Ludwig again.

"I'm awake. "he grinned, and stepped out of the car, stretching again.

He followed behind Ludwig as they walked into the meeting hall, which was being held at a hotel this time, so that the other nations who came for the meeting could stay too. As soon as Ludwig entered the room, any bickering or arguing that had been going on stopped. Everyone sat down, and acted very calm, cool, and collected…that is until America stood up, and yelled something about him being a hero and that it was his duty to save the world.

That was how all meetings went, and like always, Feliciano slept through the whole thing. It was a good time to catch up on his sleep. Even though Feliciano had some good things to say-

_You never have anything good to say…you spout nonsense every time you speak…just keep your mouth shut and people will like you better. _

He took it back…he had nothing to say..he'd stay quiet.

Feliciano opened his eyes when the yelling had been dead for about thirty minutes, and soon, Prussia burst through the doors singing the German version of Happy Birth Day. Feliciano had totally forgot. How could he have forgotten. He was a horrible friend to have forgotten Ludwig's and Gilbert's birthday. Feliciano stayed silent, sitting there in utter shock at himself that he forgot. He didn't even wish Ludwig a happy birthday that morning…

_No wonder Ludwig hates you so much._

When the singing was over, Gilbert set the cake down on the table in front of Ludwig (and by default, in front of Feliciano too, because he sat right next to Ludwig.) Feli smelled the delicious scent of sweet, sugary icing…of burning wax from the shining candles…the delicious smell of the beautiful cake underneath everything. He needed it…he wanted to eat the whole thing right then and there.

_Fat pig. You eat that whole thing, let alone one slice and the whole world will hate you even more! You're never going to be loved by Ludwig…ever…and you'll always be getting fatter and fatter with each bite…each little calorie…you want that suit to fit you better…then don't even look at the cake…leave the room…NOW! _

And like a robot, he obeyed the voice in his head. Right when Ludwig blew out the candles on his cake, Feliciano slipped out of his chair, and out of the room, hopefully no one saw him.

When he was out of the meeting room, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of diet pills he had bought from a pharmacy. Supposedly, they'll help you not crave food, so you don't eat as much! Or in Feli's case…don't eat anything. The recommended dose was one pill every three hours or so…he took three every hour. It wouldn't hurt him…much. He was a nation…nations don't get sick by things human's get sick by that often…he thought that he wouldn't get sick from the pills either. He went over to the water fountain, put the pills in his mouth, and drank some water, swallowing the three capsules down.

He chocked a little bit, but managed to breathe eventually. He smiled to himself…feelings of hunger, and the urges to eat leaving his body and stomach…but not his mind. All of his thoughts it felt like were focused on him eating that cake.

Eat.

Don't eat.

Binge. Eat the whole thing.

Don't eat.

Lick the platter clean.

Don't eat.

Don't eat.

Don't eat.

Don't eat…

Feliciano decided to do the best choice…not eat. He left the building. He walked right out the door without even looking back. He hated himself so much in that moment…so much it was making it hard for him to breathe.

_Oh …n-no! Not again!_

He began to worry, and freak out. He could feel a panic attack coming on any moment now…they usually happened every time Feliciano felt like he had royally screwed up…so they happened very often. He tried to calm his breathing, and not panic in front of so many people, so he ran as fast as he could in his dress shoes, and work suit, and ran to the most alone place he could find. He went into an ally way, and hid in the corner behind some trash cans. No one would find him back there…and the odd stranger passing by the ally way would leave him alone, thinking that he was probably some homeless man going crazy. That's what he felt like…he felt crazy. Insane…

_You are insane, Feliciano._ The voice reminded him.

Feli's body shook, and trembled as he held himself in a ball like way, holding his knees to his chest. He covered his face with his hands, using them as a paper bag almost to keep him breathing, to help stop him from hyperventilating. He shut his eyes tightly, and slowly but surely, he began to calm down.

That one had been short in comparison to some of his earlier ones…but now that he was older, he was also wiser. He knew how to control (for the most part) his panic attacks. They weren't as frequent as they were when they first started the day Holy Rome had left for war. They've decreased drastically, something he was actually a little bit proud of.

When he felt like he was safe, and had calmed down enough, he stood up, dusted himself off, and walked out of the ally. Turns out, the panic attack had lasted longer than he thought. The meeting was already over, and all the nations were sitting outside, talking with one another, celebrating Ludwig's birthday, handing him presents. They were doing everything Feliciano should have been doing since he first saw Ludwig that morning. He was the worst friend in the world. He felt tears well up in his eyes again, but refused to let them fall. He turned the corner of the ally's entrance, and looked at everyone having a good time…without him.

_They don't need you to be happy…they're so much happier when you're not with them…just look at them…they're all probably talking about how much they hate you…that's their favorite thing to talk about…how useless and horrible and fat you are. _

With that thought running through his mind, Feliciano ran off, trying to find a taxi, but to no avail .He finally just gave up and began taking his suit jacket off, and the nice shirt he had on underneath off as well, till he was only in an undershirt. He left his pants and shoes on, and dropped his clothes in hand to the floor. He bolted away from the party sceene, trying his hardest not to look back. He managed to do so, and also managed not to cry. Crying was for when you were sad. Feliciano wasn't sad. He was angry. Angry at himself for forgetting. Angry at himself for being such a failure. Angry at himself for even having the thought of wanting to eat even a crumb of the cake.

He ran through the streets, gracefully avoiding person after person, and soon ran all the way to Germany's home (which was a good ten miles away). Feli was already sore and tired from his morning run, but managed to stay energized enough to make it back to the Beilschmidt residence. He opened the door with the spare key Ludwig had given him, and went to the room he shared with Ludwig when he would visit. He packed all of his things away into his suit case, and sat on top of it, sobbing into his hands.

Then, an idea came to mind. A wonderful idea that always made him happy…when it went right at least. He stripped to bare skin like he did this morning, and walked to the bathroom. He stepped carefully onto the scale, and waited for the number to appear.

109.3 lbs.

IT WENT UP! Feliciano began to tremble in anger, and in fear. He began to panic a bit again, but not nearly as bad as he had earlier. He didn't even bother remembering that your weight fluctuates five pounds (give or take) every day. That it goes up as the day goes on. He cried hysterically, and began scratching at his arms, face, stomach…well, pretty much everywhere. He scratched until there were tears in his skin and he was bleeding.

He felt much better after that. The scratching was just like purging to him. It got out all of his feelings. It got rid of all of his stress. He deserved to hurt himself…just as he deserved to throw up. He deserved no kindness, no joy, nothing good until he was perfect. Leaving scars on his body would remind him that he needed to become perfect, and that one day he'd reach it.

When Feliciano had calmed down, and the sting from the scratches had worn of just a bit, he went over to the bed and laid down, too scared, too angry, too sad to do anything else. Too tired to hear it when the front door opened, and Ludwig stepped inside, because by then, Feliciano had already fallen asleep, his open scratches bleeding out onto the clean, white sheets.

_You deserve to bleed. _


	3. Scratching

Feliciano was sobbing on the bed, trembling in pain by the time Ludwig entered the room. He stood in the door frame in shock, just staring at Feliciano. At first he was blushing, having a wild fantasy in his mind that Feliciano was laying on his bed (naked might I add) as a surprise birthday present. But then he saw the blood. Then he saw the scratches…then he heard the sobbing, and saw the shaking.

He rushed over to Feliciano, horrified.

"Feliciano! What's the matter!? What has happened to you!?" he yelled. He knew that yelling scared the other senseless, but he didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to help his friend. Feliciano trembled even more from Ludwig's loud voice, so Ludwig just stopped talking.

"I'm calling an ambulance." He said finally, and took out his cell phone. As soon as Ludwig did so, Feliciano screeched in panic, and pounced onto Ludwig, jumping off of the bed, and knocking the other to the ground. He lay on top of him, practically straddling, and snatched the phone from him.

"D-don't you d…dare call them! I don't need their help!" he spat at Ludwig, growing angry.

_If you get angry, Ludwig won't love you…he loves people who are calm and collected, just as he is._

He took deep breaths and calmed down. "I just fell down the stairs after getting home to change…the carpet just rubbed really hard on my skin…and peeled off some..er…some of this suntan I had from being on the beaches a month ago." He explained, hoping Ludwig would believe him. He didn't.

"Feli…you have no tan…you were as pale as a ghost this morning." He said firmly, looking up into Feliciano's eyes, blushing furiously from the position he was in underneath Feliciano. He quickly looked down, and saw Feliciano's …well…you know…and then quickly looked back up at Feliciano. Feli didn't even notice, and right now he didn't care. He only cared when this thought came into his mind.

_You're naked on him right now…and you know what he's thinking? How terribly fat you are. That's all that's on his mind…he is eyeing all your pudge, all of your flab…ever inch of cellulite on your body, he's judging…and he's hating all of it!_

Feliciano sniffled and got off of Ludwig. He wrapped the bloodied sheets around his waist, and walked into the bathroom, shut the door, and locked it. He slid down the bathroom wall, and sobbed. He began breaking down bit by bit again. He couldn't handle this much longer…being around Ludwig made the thoughts worse. Made him hate himself more…

_You don't deserve him._

_He thinks you're fat_

_He hates you._

_He loves someone else. _

_Someone skinny_

_Someone brave_

_Someone smart_

_Beautiful_

_Hot _

_Sexy_

_Someone who isn't YOU_

Feli sobbed into his hands uncontrollably.

"Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!" he screamed at his own voice in his head. It worked for a moment or two before they came back. He sat there, going from feeling every emotion all at once, to going numb. He didn't want to feel, he couldn't feel, he didn't need to feel. At that moment, he just wanted to be dead…not to kill himself per say…but he just didn't want to exist anymore…

Ludwig was banging on the door, begging for Feliciano to let him in. Feli couldn't reach to open the door, even if he wanted to…which he didn't…but at the same time he did. He wanted to be alone, but at the same time he wanted to be held, and comforted like he was as a small child in his grandpa's protection, safe in his arms.

Ludwig finally managed to find the skeleton key to open the bathroom door from the outside, and carefully opened the door, entering the bathroom. He did his best not to yell, or to seem angry. All he did was sit across from Feliciano, who as soon as Ludwig entered the room, hid his whole body under the sheets. He refused to be seen. He was hideous. A mess. Gross…disgusting. Ludwig didn't deserve to see such a grotesque human being such as him.

Ludwig was too afraid to touch Feliciano, having read in one of the psychology books he owned, that it was a bad idea to touch someone when they were panicking, unless you knew for a fact that it comforted them. He had never seen Feliciano like this before. Sure, he had seen him hide under beds, in closets; under his white flag…all for the sake of not being seen…to stay safe…was that one of these deals? He thought to himself. Was he scared of him? What had Ludwig done aside from yelling, that was so horrifying. He thought back about the events of the day…then he remembered…Feliciano had been absent! How had he missed that…when did Feliciano disappear…where did he go? Why hadn't he noticed…Feli was his most precious person in the world…how did he not notice that he was gone!?

He felt awful for not paying as much attention as he should have, and shook his head, hanging it down.

"Feliciano…please…I'm so sorry…I didn't …I didn't mean to not notice something was wrong…I…I just got so caught up in everything happening…I wasn't expecting any of this…I was so surprised! Please…Feliciano…look at me…you need to calm down…take deep breaths…please…let me see your face. "

_Don't you dare look up you ugly fatty. _

Feli did what his head said. He remained silent, not saying a word, or really moving aside from the slight vibrations he was making from shaking so much. Ludwig reached out a hand to touch Feli's back softly, but through the sheet's, Feli could see what Ludwig was doing.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"he screamed in a hoarse voice, sounding almost like a banshee.

"J-just leave me…a-alone…I'm sorry…I'm sorry…please…don't hate me…I'm sorry..I didn't mean to forget…I..I didn't mean…I'm sorry I cause you s-so much trouble…I …I'm so sorry, Germany…I…I've g-got to …" before he could finish saying anything else, he rushed to the toilet, and began coughing, and dry heaving. He felt so sick from all the anxiety, but nothing came up food wise, only water and bile came up and into the toilet. He trembled, but smiled.

The smile scared Ludwig quite a bit. It wasn't Feli's normal happy smile…it was …indescribable. A mix between pride, and self loathing, and everything in between those two categories.

The smile soon faded when he saw Ludwig looking at him.

"P-please…Ludw-…Germany…please don't look at me.."

_You're too ugly to be looked at. You'd make everyone who see's you blind. _

"Feli…please…" he begged, so confused and scared for his best friend…for the man he secretly loved.

"You can call me 'Ludwig'…okay? I'm…I'm not Germany to you…remember? I'm Ludwig…and you're Feliciano…remember when we decided that? When we became friends all those years ago?" he tried to remind the other. Feliciano nodded, remembering…how could have forgotten one of the best days of his entire life?

"…Germany..we're not friends…" he said firmly. "F-friend's don't forget each other's birthdays…or put them through as much as I put you through. I'm a burden, and I'm a mess, and I just get in the way of everything you try to do!" he screamed, now Ludwig wasn't the only one who was scared, Feli was too. Scared of himself…scared of his head.

Ludwig looked at him, totally baffled. He didn't know what to say, he was so taken aback. He reached out to try and touch Feliciano again, to reassure him, but he quickly drew his hand away as he remembered how much that angered Feliciano before.

Feli stood up, head down, eyes shut tight, shoulders slumped, and walked out of the bathroom, and down the stairs so he could wash the sheets in the laundry room. He totally ignored Ludwig, just leaving him there in the bathroom. He didn't know what to do exactly. Scratch that…he didn't know what to do at all. What had caused all of this…was it that Feliciano had forgotten his birthday? Is that what the Italian had said? Ludwig gave a sad smile to no one. He had even forgotten it was his own birthday, he was so caught up on being with Feliciano that he couldn't even tell. The only thing that reminded him it was his birthday, was the cake and the presents.

Ludwig walked down the stairs slowly after leaving the bathroom. He walked over to Feliciano in the laundry room, and stood in the doorframe of it.

"Feliciano…please…tell me what's wrong…you need to talk to me! Where's the old, hyper, crazy, random, talkative Feliciano? Who are you?" He asked. He didn't realize how rude that sounded until it came out. Feliciano looked at him with heartbroken eyes. His eyebrows moved up and inward, and his bottom lip began to tremble, bottom lip trembling. But he didn't cry. Instead he burst into laughter. He clutched his stomach as he began to tear up from laughing so hard.

"Ludwig! You're so silly! I'm fine, I'm fine…I'm still the same old me…I'm just.." he yawned. "Really out of it today..that's all…okay? Nothing to worry about. " he comforted the other. Oh how badly they wanted to stroke the other's face gently, and nod their hand…but they both know they couldn't…or they'd ruin their friendship…or at least thought that that would happen.

Feliciano's best cover up for his little fits of crazy emotions all bottled up was to laugh about it…to pretend like the whole thing was just a big joke. It usually worked well…and it sort of did today. Ludwig didn't want to pry and make Feliciano uncomfortable, but as he took a closer look at the scratches on Feliciano's body, and he saw how prominent his friend's collar bones were, he decided to pry for Feli's own safety.

"Feliciano…you're not okay…I need to take you to the doctors….you're sick…there's something wrong with you…" he said firmly, leaving no room for questions or if's, and's, or but's. But that didn't stop Feliciano from getting out of the situation.

"Ludwig…I am _not_ going to the doctors…you can't make me! In…in fact…I'm leaving! I'm going home right now!" he yelled, and shoved past Ludwig, storming up the stairs, got dressed, and closed his suit case up again, before dragging it down the stairs, and he stood by the door. "I'll see you at the next meeting…" he muttered as he left.

"B-but that's not for –" the door slammed shut. "…another month…" he sighed. He couldn't go that long without seeing the other…but …if it's what Feliciano wanted, then that as okay…so long as the Italian was happy, Ludwig was happy…but today, Ludwig realized, was hot a happy day for Feliciano.

Feliciano was walking down the roads, until he finally got to the train station. He paid for a ticket, and lugged his suit case onto the train, where he managed to lay down. It'd be a couple of hours to get back to Italy, so he'd just sleep. He was too tired to do anything else. He thought though, that he'd better call his brother first. He pulls his phone out and dials his brother's number.

Ring….ring….ring….ring…

"Pronto." Lovino answered firmly.

"Ciao, Lovi…this is Feli…I-I just wanted to say that I'm going back to Venice…so if you need to find me…I'll be at home…" he smiled, so used to faking it that he did it all the time. Feliciano talked to Romano for a long while, about fourty five minutes.

"So you're finally leaving that potato head!?" Lovino asked excitedly.

"Lovi…we were never together…it's a bit hard to leave a relationship that doesn't exist.." he sighed sadly, looking at the floor.

"Fine…that's true…but we all know you like him…so are you over him yet? When will you be over him? And what can I do to help? I seriously believe that while you were under the Axis's power, that they brain washed you to like Germany or something like that." He explained, Lovino was definitely one to believe in conspiracy theories like that. Anyways, Feliciano stayed on the train talking to Lovi, and then Antonio, then back to Lovi after Lovi took the phone back from Antonio.

He finally arrived at the Italian train station, and then caught another taxi to take him over to Venice, where he lived, right in the heart of it all. When he arrived home, he entered his house, and smiled at the familiar warmth. He was comfortable here…he loved it here. This is the place where he has all of his paintings, all of the photos of his friends. Everything that he'd ever loved was there…all but Ludwig that is.

When he got situated, and put all of his things back in his room, he ran down to the bottom floor, and walked over to his treadmill. Yes. Feliciano Vargas has a treadmill, and contrary to popular belief among everyone he knew, he actually uses it. By now, Feli was dressed in his sweat suit, and got onto the running machine, and did just that. Run. He ran for the whole rest of the day, skipping dinner completely. That was good, in his opinion. He burned more calories, missed dinner so he couldn't and wouldn't binge…it was going good for him.

When he was done, he was so tired and sore. He did some light stretching after he finished, and then walked up to his room. He laid down on his bed, stripped, and curled up under the blankets. He whimpered a little bit, feeling fat, feeling horrible and useless…feeling a million things at once. He didn't know how to handle it all so he just cried.

_Crying is for babies…for weaklings…for girls._

"I'm not a baby…I'm not weak…I'm not a girl…"he cried softly, holding himself in a ball. He snuggled the blankets and the pillows, and slowly fell asleep. He was too tired to hear the phone buzzing as Ludwig tried to call him.

He ended up leaving a message.

"Hallo, Feli…this is Ludwig…I'm coming over…I need to make sure you're safe… "he said. "No arguing." He said, but of course Feli didn't hear any of that, he just kept on sleeping, dreaming of the day he'd be perfect, marry Ludwig, and be the best country in the world.


	4. Teasing

Ludwig had a key to Feliciano's house, just as Feliciano had a key to Ludwig's. He arrived in Italy several hours after making the call to Feli, and arrived in Venice another two or so hours later. He barely remembered where Feliciano lived, seeing as he only visited a few times in the span of their friendship…Feliciano preferred being at Ludwig's house.

When he found the house, he stuck the key in the door, and opened it. He looked around the dark room, and the only thing he saw was the faint glowing from the treadmill Feliciano had left on. It wasn't running, but the screen still showed how far he had run. Curiosity got the best of him, and Ludwig walked over to it.

Miles: 43.6

Calories: 4360 approx.

Pulse: 35.

Ludwig was extremely confused, just as he had been all day with the events that had happened. Reading each number, he was taken aback a little more each time. This wasn't like Feliciano at all. Feli hated running…there was no way he could have run forty three miles…and having a pulse that low…that was scary. The machine was probably broken, he said to himself in the end. There was no way Feliciano had done that…all that running.

Ludwig walked up the stairs to Feliciano's room, and crept his way inside. He saw Feliciano sleeping peacefully in his bed, and sat down on the edge of it, gently shaking his arm to wake him up. He knew it was late, but he needed to see Feliciano right then and there. He needed to confirm that his beloved Italien was alright. Feliciano didn't stir, the only proof he was alive was the soft, (cute in Ludwig's mind) snoring coming from the smaller of the two men .

Ludwig sighed in relief, and let the man sleep. He walked over to the couch in Feli's room, and laid down on it, going to sleep himself. As he drifted to sleep, he pondered all the things that could be bothering Italy…could be "wrong" with Italy. He thought and thought, but all the ideas he came up with just seemed wrong…strange…nothing like Feliciano at all.

_Bipolar disorder…_

_Mood disorder…_

_Paranoia…_

_Split personality…_

He went through his made up list, and just shook his head. None of them made sense to him. They'd explain Feliciano's latest outbursts…but that was the first time he'd seen Feliciano act that way…must have been a fluke. He shrugged to himself. He couldn't worry about it now. He had to sleep to get energy, in order to help Feliciano.

Morning came soon enough, and Feliciano was the first to wake up, like normal. It was too dark for him to see Ludwig sleeping on the couch, and he walked right past him, heading down to the room downstairs so he could go for his ten mile run. Before he did so, he stopped in the bathroom, and weighed himself. He had dropped two whole pounds. His heart soared and leaped for joy. He looked at himself in the mirror, and began pinching at his skin, pulling, trying to see how much more he had to lose.

_You've got a long way to go, Feliciano…you're still too fat…you'll only look good and be skinny enough when I tell you you are…okay? _

Said the voice kindly. The voice always was kinder whenever Feliciano lost a lot of weight, it was as if he was being praised by the devil inside of his head. He was so proud of himself, and just smiled that same odd smile. The one that was honest…but didn't quite seem like it belonged to the cute, innocent Feliciano.

He put on his sweats and walked down the stairs to the treadmill. He turned it on, and stepped on. He set it to run at five miles per hour for the first half mile, then sped it up till he was running fifteen miles per hour.

The sound of the machine going woke Ludwig up slowly. He sat up, and yawned, stretching, and walked down the stairs to find Feliciano in sweats…which was a sight he had never seen…as well as seeing the Italian willingly running. The baggy sweat pants kept sagging with every few steps he made, and he had to keep pulling them up. The size small was getting too big for him, though that didn't mean anything to Feliciano. He was still too fat.

Ludwig didn't want to scare the other, so he sneaked out the back door, walked around to the front, and knocked, hoping Feliciano would answer it. He wanted to pretend he was never even in the house so he didn't scare him.

Feliciano stopped the machine, turning it off. He ran up stairs to change out of his sweats and into his boxers, pretending he had just woke up. He opened the door and rubbed his eyes, yawning cutely. He looked up and was surprised when he saw Ludwig standing there.

"L-Lu…er…Germany! What are you doing here?" he asked, taken aback.

"I told you to call me Ludwig." He smiled warmly, and entered the house without invitation, knowing Feliciano wouldn't really do anything about it. Besides, if he asked, Feliciano would probably have said no. He sat down on a comfy chair in the living room, across from the treadmill.

"I was worried about you, Feliciano…you didn't pick up your phone last night…so I decided to come over and make sure you were okay…about yesterd-" but Feliciano cut him off.

"Don't bother bringing up the past, _Germany_." He said firmly, and with a bit of an annoyed voice. Not annoyed at Germany per say, but mad that he wouldn't be able to finish his run.

Feliciano sat next to him on the couch and stretched a bit, feeling very sore from his run last night. Ludwig looked closely at the Italian when he knew Italy wasn't looking, and saw small circles, purple and blue and red around his body.

"Feliciano…were you mugged or something?" he asked, worried about the bruises on his best friend.

"Who hurt you?" he asked. Feliciano just shook his head quickly.

"No one hurt me…and I'm fine…I just…stumbled down the stairs one morning…I'm fine.." he said, lying. He had passed out at the top of the stairs and fell all the way down two flights. If it wasn't for being a nation, he probably would have died, or at least have been more injured than just getting a few bruises.

Ludwig looked at Feli worriedly.

"You're not that big of a klutz to fall down stairs…what happened." Feliciano hated lying, so he answered truthfully, with a little white lie.

"oh it's nothing…It was a few weeks ago…I hadn't gotten much sleep in the past week or so…and at the top of the stairs I just kinda…fell asleep from exhaustion…that's all…don't worry about it. No one hurt me, and I didn't hurt myself." He said with a big smile.

_A big, fake smile. _

Ludwig looked at him with even more worry, and suspicion.

"Why weren't you able to sleep?" he asked, and put the possibility of Insomnia on his made up list of all of Feli's ailments.

"Oh, I was just drinking way too much coffee…especially at night. I went out with Lovino for like…two weeks straight to café's and drank lots of espresso." He laughed. That was true actually, he drank it all so he could work out at night when his brother was sleeping.

Ludwig raised an eye brow, and leaned in a bit, looking Feliciano in the eyes. His heart fluttered being so close to his face, but he was trying to see if Feliciano's eyes were being honest with him. He couldn't tell at all, so he pulled back and sighed.

"Alright…I just want to make sure you're okay, Feliciano…you mean a lot to me." He explained.

_He's lying. _

"You're lying." Feliciano muttered after hearing that thought. Ludwig was taken aback, not expecting Feli to snap like that, or reply so quickly.

"Why do you say that?" he asked, confused. Feliciano looked away. He couldn't say much…he didn't want to give things away…but…he did want to see if he could find out how Ludwig felt about him…he didn't want to get his hopes up though…but they were already pretty high.

"Why? Because I'm annoying…useless…a worthless person…everyone says it…everyone thinks it…I hear people when they're talking to you…asking why you even look my way, let alone be friends with me." He sighed, a few tears welling in his eyes, but he wouldn't let them fall this time…at least he'd try his hardest to make sure it didn't happen.

Ludwig felt so sad hearing that. He hated the fact that Ludwig had heard those conversations…but he assumed Feliciano only heard the other person's side of the conversation.

"Feli…do you want to know what I say to them? I tell them to go shove it…because that's no thing you say about your best friend…sure…you're annoying…but, Feli…I'm annoying too…I'm too serious most of the time…and I'm too loud, and too angry, and too studious…I don't know how to let lose unless I'm with you…Feli, you keep me grounded…you make me …feel human." He smiled. He was so close to confessing to Feliciano. Was now the right time? How would the other react? He gulped nervously. He looked from Feli's eyes, to his lips, then back up to his eyes. He wanted to act on his thoughts so bad, but held back.

"And another thing…is that I never listen to my heart…even when I really should." He muttered. Feliciano didn't understand what he meant by that, but laughed.

"And my problem is, is that I never listen to my brain." He grinned, scooting a little closer to Ludwig. He laid down, setting his head on Ludwig's comfy lap, and took a deep breath, sighing.

"you know…We've been friends…for a very, very long time…" he chuckled.

"Ja…we…we really have…" he began, gulping again, before he spoke once more.

"And…since we've been friends for so long… I think it's about time that we…took the next step and…become something more…" he stammered, hoping he said it right. Praying that the other understood him.

"REALLY!?" he squealed in delight, and hugged Ludwig tightly around the waist.

"Now we're super best friends! I'm so happy!"

Feliciano didn't get it.

At all.

_Is he really that…oblivious? _ Ludwig thought to himself. He took a deep breath. It's not like he had been rejected by Feli…he would just have to be more clear the next time he tried to ask Feliciano out. The last time he had tried, failed terribly. He proposed to the other on valentine's day, and royally screwed things up. He shook the memory out of his head. He'd rather not remember how horribly it went right now.

He smiled and hugged Feliciano back.

"Ja…super best friends…" he said softly. He took a deep breath again, and then again, taking Feli's scent in. He couldn't really tell what he smelled like…it was different than the normal fruity smell that lingered on his skin. It was a mix of salt and sweat. He pulled away, and grabbed Feliciano's wrist, feeling his pulse, though Feliciano had no clue what he was doing.

He counted in his head, and did the math. It was thirty six. A little above what the machine had said. He must have done it wrong. He tried three more times, and got roughly the same number each time.

"Feliciano… I really want you to go to a doctor…okay?" he begged, holding Feli's hands in his own, squeezing them slightly. Feliciano's hands were beginning to become a sweaty mess. His whole body was. He was so anxious from being this close to Ludwig…being so personal and honest. He didn't know if he could hold back if he started talking again, so he stayed quiet. He just shook his head, saying no to the plea for him to go to the doctors.

"I'm fine…" was all he uttered.

Ludwig then slowly let go of Feliciano's hands, and put them down on the Italian's lap.

"Feli…you're scaring me…I…I saw you on the treadmill…running…you hate running…Feli…you're scratching at yourself…" he didn't care what he would say next, it all needed to be said. "You're hurting yourself…you're amazing, incredible self…" he said, blushing deeper and deeper with each sentence. Each little confession.

Feliciano just sat there, a stolid expression on his face. He didn't listen to Ludwig…only to his thoughts.

_He's lying to you to make you feel better. He is spouting lies and wants you to fall for his cruel prank, and make you look a fool! _

"I know…" Feli said to his thoughts, and looked down at his hands, pinching the skin on his hands, and took his thumb and forefinger to make a ring around his wrist. When Feliciano grew anxious, he would body check, making sure no part of his body had grown any bigger than it was the previous time he checked…but the anxiety distorted everything, and he felt ten times bigger. He quickly stood up, and began pacing a bit.

"Ludwig…I know you're lying to make me feel better….just…stop it…You're going to make me feel certain feelings, and think certain things…and I'll be crushed in the end when none of what you say is true…please…always be honest with me…and stop these cruel lies!" he whimpered loudly, pinching at himself even more now, no longer to check how big he was, but to hurt himself. He pinched harder and harder, leaving even more bruises on his body.

Seeing as Feliciano was so malnourished, he bruised very easily. He didn't care though. He deserved to be covered in scars and in bruises. He deserved all that pain. He wanted to wallow in self pity, and hate himself. He wanted to self harm…in any way shape or form…aside from cutting. He'd never do that…and it was for a silly reason. He liked walking around naked so much, that he didn't want anyone to notice he had scars from cutting…but he had plenty of faint scars, little red and brown marks all over his body from where he had scratched.

Ludwig jumped up, and grabbed Feli's hands. "Stop it! You're hurting yourself…please…Feliciano…let's do something together…okay? Like we always do…how about we go for a gondola ride? You love rowing those things, ja? Does that sound fun?" he asked, hopeful. Feli shook his head.

"Non…I want to run!" he begged, and covered his eyes. He had never admitted that before. Even though it was a simple statement, the feeling behind it was enormous. He was really trying to convey that he couldn't stop exercising. He (deep deep deep deep down) wanted Ludwig to catch on, to stop him…to care for him, and to tell him he was beautiful the way he was.

_But you know better than to believe those lies. Feli…you'll only be beautiful when I say you are…when you're thin…when your body matches how you are on the inside…then you'll be beautiful…too bad your insides are just as bad as how you look. _

Feli shuddered at the thoughts in his head, and looked up at Ludwig.

"Will it make you happy to go for a ride with me?" he asked, hoping Ludwig would say 'ja'. He needed a distraction as soon as possible. He didn't care what it was, but one more moment in his house and he'd end up running. As badly as he wanted to, he couldn't in front of Ludwig.

"Okay…umm…Feli…just calm down. You've just said several things…why do you want to run…you've never liked running before…you hated it when I made you do training with me…and no offence, you were kinda horrible at it…unless I was running away from you, then you always tried to catch up. But aside from that…you've never liked exercise." He noted, and put his hand against the Italian's pale, clammy forehead. He pulled away when he felt that Feli was a little too warm.

"Feliciano…you look awful."

_You look hideous. _

"Your clothing hangs off of you like rags…"

_You've gained too much weight, you fat ass. _

"I'm so worried about you…Feli …I…"

_I hate you so much, Feliciano._

He looked up at Ludwig with sad, dull gold eyes. They hadn't been vibrant ever since he was with Holy Rome. All excitement had left him. All love and happiness left with that little boy's death. Ludwig somehow brought happiness and love back into his life bit by bit over the years they were friends, but he still felt empty.

"Ludwig…you don't understand…and I can't tell you…" he said firmly, though his voice was shaking. He looked down at his feet, and walked over to the stairs.

"I'll be back, let me get dressed." He said, and walked up the stairs to his room.

When inside his room, he went through his closet, and found some nice looking casual clothes. He put on the largest thing he had, still thinking it was too tight on him. It was sort of like putting a baby dolls clothes onto a Barbie doll. That's what Feli looked like. It actually kind of looked a bit silly to be honest. As fashionable as Feliciano was, he couldn't pull off that look anymore. He was too scrawny.

_Lose a few more pounds and it'll look good on you again. _

Feli walked down the steps, feeling very dizzy, and met Ludwig again at the couch. He looked up at Feli, and stood up, grabbing his shoulders as Feliciano began swaying.

"Feliciano…have you eaten anything yet?" he asked. It wasn't that he suspected anything about the Italian's eating habits, he had seen the Italian eat pile upon pile of pasta…he wasn't worried about Feliciano's intake (other than he might eat too much sometimes). He just knew that if you didn't eat breakfast within one to two hours of waking up, it could throw off your body, making you feel sick and dizzy.

Feli nodded his head, lying…and he knew that Ludwig knew he was lying.

"Feliciano. You're going to eat…okay? I'll cook for you…how about some fried eggs…some bacon…beans…" he suggested, listing some foods he liked to eat. Feli's eyes widened in horror. All that fat. All those carbs. All the fried grease. He wouldn't ruin his progress now by filling his body with toxic foods.

"Ludwig. I said I already ate. Drop it, and leave me alone." He said in a deeper, gruff voice." His eyes were cold and demanding. They told Ludwig not to push Feli's buttons, and not to pry. Ludwig just sighed, nodded, and took Feliciano's hand like Feli usually did to him, and walked him out of the door.

He had the extreme urge to interlace their fingers together…but he wasn't sure Feliciano would act well to it. He wanted to try though. He shifted his hand around Feliciano's, and tried to subtly slip his fingers between Feli's, but as soon as he tried to do this, Feli yanked his hand away.

"Stop teasing me, Ludwig!" he said, holding his hand to him, cowering a little bit.

_He's pranking you…he hates you and you know it. Why are you even hanging out with him? You don't deserve to even be his friend. _

"Just…why don't you go home and leave me alone…I'm nothing but a burden to you…" he muttered.

"Feliciano…listen to yourself…you sound crazy."

_You __**are**__ crazy, Feliciano._

"Please…just …try to enjoy yourself…I know the past day or two have been very stressful on you…seeing as you got sick from the bad sauce…and then the confusion about the birthday issue…all those things got in the way of you having a good time…let me help you have a good day today…please?" He said, practically begging. Feli thought about it.

_You don't deserve to have a good day. What have you done in your entire, pathetic life to have a perfect man like Ludwig treat you like royalty like he is right now? NOTHING! You deserve to die if you accept his offer. _

Feli gulped, and shook his head. "L-Ludwig…you can stay if you want…you came all this way." Feliciano said, not really wanting Ludwig to leave him…he loved to be around Ludwig. It made him feel safe…feel comforted…feel like he had friends…even if his mind told him the friendships were all lies. ..he still liked to pretend.

Ludwig nodded, and took Feli's hand again. He was afraid if he let go of Feli, he'd lose him. He didn't know why he was thinking that…but he was. Feli and him walked back into the house, and Feli walked up to his room, Ludwig following behind him. Feli collapsed onto the bed, laying on his stomach, and Ludwig sat beside him, rubbing his back with one hand, drawing circles.

"Ludwig…" he whispered sadly and softly, barely audible to the point where Ludwig just barely heard and made out his name.

"Hmm…what is it, Italien?" he asked, stopping.

"…I…I lo…" he froze. What was he doing. He wasn't really going to say it. That was madness!

"I long to go to sleep…I'm very tired…would you lay with me?" he asked, hoping the answer was yes. He wanted Ludwig's arms around him…he wanted their legs to be tangled together, their hands to be held together. They didn't ever do those things, unless they were in a deep sleep, and didn't notice they were doing it. That wasn't something friends do…which gave him the smallest pinch of hope, making him think that maybe…just maybe Ludwig liked him…

Ludwig nodded.

"I'd love to…" he smiled, and took his jacket and shoes off, and crawled onto the bed with Feliciano. He blushed, and opened his arms up for Feliciano to snuggle into. Feli though, thought this was another prank to tease him, so he rejected Ludwig's invitation.

"Stop teasing me…"


	5. Empty and Numb

He laid on the complete other side of the bed, instead of being pressed flush against Ludwig's body like he usually did. He pulled the blankets up, shivering .He was freezing…he always was. He got up to put on some heavy pajamas…and got two extra blankets. He bundled up underneath them, and drifted off into a light sleep, still able to hear what was going on, but too tired to process anything.

Ludwig was so worried, so confused…he just wanted to help Feliciano. When he saw him bundle up under so many covers, he grew even more worried. He remembered when he had felt Feli's forehead…a little too warm…clammy…He remembered his low pulse…it all added up.

_Feliciano has the flu!_ Ludwig decided. He felt proud of himself for finally finding out what was wrong with his best friend…excuse me…super best friend. He rubbed Feliciano's back soothingly, and absent mindedly. He scooted a little closer to Feliciano, and sighed. How badly he wanted to spoon the other, holding him in his arm, his body pressed against Feli's…He had the same exact desires as Feliciano…though neither knew what the other was wanting, nor thinking.

"Feli…" he breathed out. He had only done this a few times when Feliciano was sleeping…it was fun…exciting…it made him feel a bit guilty afterwards…but it was too tempting to resist doing it. He carefully turned Feliciano onto his back, and he sat up. He looked down at Feliciano, his pale-ish face turning bright red. "…Feliciano…ich…ich liebe dich…" he smiled, and leaned down to gently brush his lips against Feliciano's. Just a brush…nothing more, nothing less. After a minute or so, he pulled away, feeling a little bit satisfied…or as satisfied as he could be with that little bit of contact. He laid down, and scooted to Feli, and held him close. He kissed Feliciano's head, and kissed behind his ear, and his jaw…and his neck.

_Has Feliciano's skin always been so smooth? _He thought to himself, having never gone this far before…his urges to do more were heating up. He crawled out of the bed, and walked to the side Feli was on. He gently slipped his hand into Feliciano's, making his heart flutter. In his sleep, Feliciano squeezed his hand back, and a small smile crept onto the Italian's sad face. Ludwig leaned in again, and pressed their lips together, more than just brushing them together. He couldn't hold back any longer.

He crawled on top of Feliciano, not making much noise, and not shifting the bed that much, so Feliciano kept sleeping peacefully, though he stirred a little bit. He leaned down to kiss him again, and cautiously massaged their lips together. The biggest surprise though, was when Feliciano began kissing back.

As Feliciano slept, he dreamed. Sometimes his dreams were quite vivid, and very explicit. He usually ended up holding his body pillow, and was making out with it. When he woke up from those dreams, he felt…very awkward and embarrassed to say the least.  
This dream though…was the most incredible one. It felt so real, so amazing. He felt Ludwig's hands travel across his sides, over his chest, stroking his hair, and brushing his cheeks with his fingers. He kissed Ludwig back, and tiredly brought his hands up, wrapping them around Ludwig's neck, pulling him closer. He slowly opened his mouth, and felt Ludwig's tongue slide in. At the sensation, Feli moaned, and his eyes fluttered open, waking from his dream. His eyes adjusted to see Ludwig on top of him, their lips on one another's. His eyes widened so much he felt they would pop out.

He quickly shoved Ludwig off of him, panicking. Ludwig quickly hopped off of him, and stumbled, landing on his rear on the floor. He looked at Feliciano, his whole face on fire, cheeks so red he looked like a tomato. Feliciano was cowering in the corner of his bed, eyes red and welling with tears. He began yelling and screaming in Italian.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!? WHY ARE YOU TEASING ME! GET OUT! GET OUT! WHY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE ME SUFFER! GO!" He screamed so loudly in Italian, he sounded like a banshee. Feliciano was crying, no…sobbing. He jumped off the bed and ran out of the room. He hid in his bathroom, locking the door, just like he had done a day or so ago. Ludwig collapsed onto the floor, and held his face in his hands. He hated himself so much for doing that to Feliciano.

Feliciano was sobbing on the bathroom floor, and the thoughts began swimming around his mind again.

_You know that was just to tease you._

_You know he really hates you._

_You know he's going to tell everyone what a slut you are for making out with him almost._

_You know…_

_You know…_

_You know…_

_You know what you should do._

_What you need to do. _

_Do it Feliciano._

_You deserve the pain. _

_You want to feel better don't you? _

_You can just wear long sleeves for the rest of your life._

_You can hide from the world…no one wants to see you again anyways. _

_You have this one option…you can't do anything else. _

_DO IT! _

Feliciano stood up on wobbly legs, and walked to his bathroom counter. With a shaky hand he took his shaving razor, and snapped the plastic surrounding the thin blades. Feli pulled the metal out of it, and slumped down against the wall, holding the sharpest one in his hand.

He sobbed as he did this. Not from pain, but from the thought. He slid the blade across his wrists. Blood began slowly rising to the surface of his skin, and Feliciano was entranced by the sight. He wanted to see it again. Feliciano pressed the blade to him, and did it not just once, not twice, not just three times…but more than he could count. He glided the blades across his arms for over ten minutes. The sobbing had stopped, and the blood gushed all over his arms. He wiped his eyes, getting blood on his face.

Ludwig had been listening the whole time. He grew worried when he heard Feliciano stop crying. Had he passed out? He went to the bathroom door, and said Feliciano's name. He didn't answer. He called his name for five minutes, banging on the door. "FELICIANO!" he screamed. Feli didn't want to answer. He wasn't passed out, but he was laying on the floor, feeling very dizzy. Ludwig finally managed to ram into the door, breaking the lock, and opened the door.

He stared at Feliciano in horror.

"F…Fe…" he couldn't even get the man's name out. He fell to his knees beside the Italian, and shook his shoulder. "Feli! C-can you hear me! Feliciano…please answer me!" All Feli did though was blink. He felt so numb…which satisfied him. The voices in his head were being nice for once.

_You did good, Feliciano…_

_You're so brave for doing what needs to be done._

_You're strong for doing this._

_I'm proud of you. _

_Do it again whenever things get too tough to handle. _

_Let the stress leave your body with the blood. _

Feliciano felt so much better because he wasn't feeling anything. He didn't feel pain, he didn't feel sadness…just numbness. Ludwig took the blinking as a sign that Feliciano was alive. Tears escaped from the larger man's eyes, and he stood up. He wet a wash cloth with hot water, and sat next to Feliciano. He took each arm one at a time, and cleaned them. He sopped up all the blood that was flowing out of him, and even applied disinfectant cream to each deep and shallow cut on him.

As a nation, he would heal much faster than humans…but it was still dangerous for him that he had lost so much blood. Ludwig was shaking as he wrapped Feliciano's arms up in gauze.

He picked Feliciano up bridal style, and laid him down on his bed. There was no way he was going to leave the other now.

He sat on a chair, and brought it over to the bed. He held Feliciano's hand in his own, rubbing his palm softly. He managed to hold back his own tears now, and just stared at his feet.

_This is all my fault…if…if Feli died from this…it would have been because __**I **__ killed him…I'm such a terrible person…I attacked him in his sleep…that's practically rape almost…b-but he kissed me back…he..he was probably dreaming…probably about kissing some girl he was crushing on recently…like always…_

The thoughts were getting bad in Ludwig's mind, blaming everything on himself, but when Feliciano moved and twitched a bit his face lit up, gaining some color back.

"Feli…er…Italien…I'm…I'm so sorry…It's all my fault…I shouldn't have done what I did…I shouldn't have even touched you..but…" he didn't know how to say it.

"Feliciano…listen to me…I…I just couldn't help myself…you looked so sweet, and at ease…you were so incredibly gorgeous…I just wanted to take you and make you mine…to claim you…Feliciano I love you!" he blurted, shaking as he squeezed Feliciano's hand.

Feli stared up at the ceiling. He blinked, and his heart fluttered, before it sank.

_Love you?! Ha! How the hell could someone as perfect as Ludwig ever love you! You don't deserve him…and he deserves better than a pathetic fat ass like you. Right now as he's touching you, he's probably getting your nasty germs all over him. He's probably disgusted with you. He hates you. _

_HE'S LYING TO YOU ABOUT EVERYTHING!_

Feliciano didn't cry, he didn't do anything. His hand went limp in Ludwig's, and he opened his mouth to speak. 

"I never …ever want to see you again." He whispered.

Ludwig was shocked…he had honestly expected Feliciano to say he loved him back…but no…his heart shattered in his chest, and he stood up out of the chair. He leaned over to kiss Feliciano's hand sweetly, and left the room, looking back at the sick Feliciano.

When he left the room, he pulled out his cell phone and called Romano. It rang for about three minutes, till Lovino answered.

"Pronot, potato bastard." Lovi said gruffly.

"….Umm…hallo…Lovino…I…" he stuttered nervously. How was he supposed to tell this to Lovino?

"What the hell is it? Spit it out you idiot."

"Feliciano is …very sick…he doesn't want to see me right now…but I'm afraid to leave him alone…if…if you wouldn't mind would yo-"

"I'm coming over…" he said firmly.

"I was already on the way over anyways to see him..he sounded depressed when he called me telling me he was going home…so…I'll make sure he's okay…"

Ludwig sighed in relief. He decided he'd wait in the living room till Lovi arrived.

"Danke…danke so much…" he said softly.

"It's nothing…er…grazie …for calling me…I know my brother annoys you a lot…but …you're being a good friend to him…grazie…can …can I ask what happened to him? Our economy is fine…he shouldn't be sick."

"….Lovino…I think he's mentally sick…there's something wrong with him…." He explaind softly and sadly.

When he said that, the door opened and Lovino stepped inside.

"Oi…potato bastard, you can go now…I can take care of him…" he said, closing his phone.

"And I'm not an idiot…I know my brother has mental issues…he always has…but he refuses to see a doctor because he doesn't want to be diagnosed..he feels that if he's not diagnosed then he has nothing wrong with him." He explained sadly. He walked past Ludwig, and pointed to the door.

"You can go now…if he says not to see you again…then honestly…never see him again." He said in a dark voice, though it hinted that he was a little sad for Ludwig.

Ludwig sighed and left the house when he heard that Lovino made it to Feliciano's room.

"DAMMIT! Again Feliciano!?" he yelled, and Ludwig heard him as he left.

_Again? He's done this before? _

He racked his brain, but nothing came to mind…he couldn't think of anything…Feli would never do such things…but he has…

Ludwig left the house, and left the beautiful, sinking city.

Lovino sat in the chair Ludwig was sitting in next to Feliciano's bed, talking to him softly in Italian. Feliciano didn't say anything till the end of his speech.

"Lovino…I want to die…" he whispered in a tiered, soft voice.

Lovino blinked.

"What? What the hell did you just say? You want to die? What the hell happened to you that you leave the potato bastard out to dry, and now you want to kill yourself!?"

"…he…he kissed me…" Feli whispered again.

"…he what!?" he screamed, and began pacing, but then paused.

"Wait…I thought you were in love with the sick bastard…what..what changed your mind…do you not like him anymore?" he asked in confusion.

"Non…I still love him…but he doesn't love me…he'd never really love me…it was just a prank…he's going to go tell everyone about it now…about how crazy I am…how screwed up I am…how desperate and slutty I am around Ludwig…He's going to tell everyone…he's going to make fun of me…how ugly I am…how fat I am…" he said in the softest tone he'd ever spoken in…a heart broken tone.

Lovino was silent. He didn't know what to say.

"I wish I was just like you, Lovino…So beautiful…so skinny, yet strong…You've got Antonio…you're together with the one you love who loves you back…I don't have that…I want that so badly." He cried out, tears spilling down his face.

"Lovino…I hate myself so much…I just don't deserve to live anymore…" he said in a choked voice.

"Oh, Feliciano…you've got it all wrong you fucking idiot!" he whimpered.

"You think all those things…but you don't realize how perfect you are! We all love you with all our hearts." He said, being serious, trying to convey his feelings of brotherly love for the other.

"Lovino…it doesn't matter…even if that was true.."

_Which it wasn't. _

"it wouldn't change how much I hate myself…"

Lovino just shook his head, and held his brother's hand.

"Feliciano…you're …you're so kind and sweet, and you're not fa-"

"Shut the hell up Lovino. You have no right to lie to me…as my fratello you should actually be the most honest person in my life…and now you're lying too!? GET OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" he screamed, pointing to the door.

"Oh boo hoo…because you don't look how you want to look doesn't mean shit, you fucking thick head. You listen to me…you're going to get out of this bed, and call Ludwig, apologizing for being such an ass to him!" he said…something he never thought he'd say. He was defending the German. If Ludwig could honestly make his brother happy, he could tolerate the man (possibly) .

Feli didn't say anything, and just rolled onto his side, his back to Lovino.

"Fine..you can stay…but just…leave me alone..go read a book or something…I want to sleep.. "he gave a fake yawn, and closed his eyes, and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Lovino frowned, and went down stairs to make some pasta for him and his brother. It took about five hours to cook it from scratch, and make it perfect. When he was done, he brought the bowl up to Feliciano, and shook him awake.

"Fratello…wake up…I've brought you some food." He said gruffly.

He looked up. The expression on his face one of anger and hatred.

"I'm. Not. Eating." He growled, glaring at the bowl of pasta.

"I feel too sick. I feel too full from breakfast. I feel horrible…food is just going to make things worse." He explained, trying to slap on a smile. He succeeded and somehow managed to convince Lovino to leave him alone.

Lovino understood that when you feel sick, you can't eat, so he left the room, and ate by himself in the living room, watching television.

Feliciano's stomach growled, but he smiled.

_I only feel beautiful when I my stomach is empty. _


	6. Who could love you?

Three days passed and Feliciano had recovered. His heart stabilized for the most part due to Romano restricting his exercise. They only went on five minute walks once a day. That was all. He hated it. He couldn't tolerate it. He barely ate five hundred calories a day, and he was still losing weight.

_You've gained weight…_

_You're not exercising…_

_Everything you eat becomes fat in a second…_

_You're fat…_

Feliciano couldn't stand the voices. Whenever Romano left the house, he would run to the bathroom and try to purge out everything that he had eaten in that day, or take diuretics or laxatives to get the food out of him.

_Better out then in…_

One day, when Romano wasn't home with him, he went to his bathroom, and pulled out his scale from under the cabinet. He hadn't been able to weigh himself the whole time Ludwig and Romano had been with him. He took a deep, shaky breath, and set it onto the carpeted floor. He looked at the scale, the only thing going through his mind was the thoughts.

_It's going to have gone up from last time, you fatty. _

_I want it to be zero. _

_You need it to be zero. _

_Zero is perfect. _

The voices repeated in his head over and over again until he gained the courage to step onto the scale. He had his eyes closed at first until he looked down and saw the weight.

110 lbs.

NO! That was ten pounds more than the last time he checked! He began to panic, pulling at his hair, clumps of it falling out between his fingers. He quickly grabbed the scale and rushed to a hard floor. He set it down again, and this time stripped till he was naked. He took another deep breath, and stepped on, staring at the numbers spinning, measuring out his weight.

96 lbs.

He sighed. How could there have been such a huge difference!? He smiled, and felt relieved.

"Bouno…" he grinned, and put the scale back into the cabinet under the sink in the upstairs bathroom. He put his clothes back on, and bundled up under his blankets on his bed again. He thought about why his weight was so high the first time he weighed himself. Other than the scale being on a different surface, he couldn't fathom why it changed so durastically, until it hit him. He was wearing two shirts, a sweater, a jacket, sweats, and two pairs of socks. He was that cold. That was over ten pounds of clothing wasn't it… He frowned. He couldn't go to the next meeting like that. He glanced over at his calendar.

October 10th.

"Wh-what!?" he yelped. Time flew so fast. The meeting was tomorrow. He'd have to go fly out to America where the meeting was at. He got up and out of bed, shivering from how cold he was still, despite sweating in his clothing. He would much rather sleep and drift away into a soothing dream…but now a day's his dreams were anything but. He frowned at the thought. He pulled a suit case out of the closet, and filled it with his best and favorite suits.

Before he put them in his suit case though, he began putting them on one by one, and examined how he looked in the mirror. The first one wasn't good.

_Damn, look how fat you look in that! You can NOT wear that to the meeting. You'll look bigger than Russia and America combined! You pig! Go change right now! _

He put on the second suit: a gorgeous Armani suit, his favorite company. He carefully put it on, and it hung on him as if he were wearing his grandfather's hand me down's. He looked in the mirror, and screeched in horror.

"Oh god...dio..no…" he pleaded, and put his hand against the mirror.

"How …how can I look so fat…I've lost three pounds…I…I should be skinny…please…dio…why!?" he screamed out to God, pleading to know why he didn't look how he wanted.

He began banging his fists on the mirror and on the walls, and began ripping the suit off of him, tearing it, ripping holes into it.

"I'M HIDEOUS!" he screamed, and began throwing himself against the wall, banging his head. He cried hysterically, and when he was clad only in his underwear he tried to calm down and put on another suit.

"Black. Black is a slimming color…I'll look okay in black…better than I do in anything else at least…" he frowned, but the corners of his lips twitched into a smile at the thought of looking good in at least one suit.

He scanned his closet for the perfect black ensemble, and finally found one he liked. He slipped it on, and again it was hanging on him like a child wearing their father's old clothing. He smiled.

"I don't look half bad in this…do I?" he grinned, and began packing his suit case. Suit after suit went in, seeing as he'd be there for about a week, he packed seven. He added some books, as well as an exercise mat, and pills. He made a checklist in his head.

-Heart burn pills …to calm the acid reflux…

-Mirilax…for when I eat too much…

-Weight loss pills…for obvious reasons…

The list wasn't long, but he needed to make sure he had all three things in order to "enjoy" his visit to America. He knew there would be food shoved in his face at every corner. Billboards. Commercials. Advertisements. Restaurants…fast food…everything . Every where he'd go he'd be confronted by food, and he'd have to do his best to deal with that.

He looked at the calendar, and thought about who'd be there. It was a simple G8 meeting, so it'd be the same as it usually was. America, England, France, Russia, Japan …oh, Canada…and Germany…

_He's just going to tease you…_

"I know…but I've got to go…he'll tease and scold me more if I don't show up at all…" he explained to himself.

"Great, now I'm talking to myself…I really am crazy…"

_Hey, if you think you're crazy, you're not…crazy people don't think they're crazy. _

He chuckled at that, and decided he'd be strong, and go to the meeting anyways.

He left a note for Romano in the kitchen on the fridge, hanging it by a magnet that read "Deutschland", from one of his visits to Germany. He smiled at it, and thought back to all the good times he and Ludwig had.

It couldn't have all been teasing..it couldn't have been. Ludwig really did like him…as a friend right? They really were friends…at least that was what he tried to tell himself before his thoughts interrupted him again.

_Don't be an idiot. _

_You know he hates you._

_Who could even be friends with you? _

_Who would WANT to be friends with you!? _

_You're a fat , stupid, slob…no one loves you…_

_No one wants you…_

_No one wants to see you, or be near you…_

_Especially not someone as perfect as Ludwig. _

_Speaking of Ludwig….you should start doing weights…you're starting to get flabby…you need some definition on you. He'd like to see you strong…maybe you'd impress him. Maybe he'd at least want to be a real friend then…_

"That's a good idea…maybe I should get a gym membership…I really should get some muscle…the more muscle you've got the harder it is to gain fat…" he noted. He practically knew everything about weight loss and weight gain…all the facts, and the myths.

He smiled softly, thinking about how great he'd look after he began working out with weights, and left the house in a cheery mood. Feeling good about himself for once. He always felt good about himself when he thought about the future in a positive (positive to him) way. About how skinny he'd be…how handsome…how amazing, and strong he'd be. How he'd show everyone just how great he is…how he's just as great as his grandfather…better than him…better than his brother…he'd show everyone that he's the best in the world.

He walked down the small streets and left Venice. He arrived to the airport and was given looks by many people passing by. When he sat down at his terminal after buying his ticket, a small little old woman came up to talk to him. She sat next to him and took his hand comfortingly.

"I'm so sorry for your loss…" she said softly. Feli raised an eyebrow. Very confused.

"Excuse me, miss? I…I've not lost anyone…you're mistaken…" he chuckled softly, and a little bit sadly, feeling guilty for having mistaken the woman. She looked confused as well.

"But you look so sad…and your eyes are so sunken…you're so pale…and your outfit…you just look like you're heading off to a funeral, son…" she explained to him. "I'm sorry for assuming…that was very rude of me…"

"Oh non, miss…it's okay…we all mess up here and there…I do that a lot…I'm the champion at messing up and saying the wrong things." He laughed, putting on that fake, plastic like smile.

"I'm sure that's not true…you look much too nice and smart to do anything wrong…at least not as often as you say you do." She comforted, squeezing his hand lightly in her old, wrinkled one.

"You're too kind, miss…so why are you heading off to America?" he asked politely, trying to keep conversation. He loved talking to elderly people. They always had such great stories…he was very envious of them too…he often wished that he could grow old like they did…but he knew that was a silly thing to wish for. He should be happy that he was lucky enough to be immortal.

"Oh? I'm just heading away to visit my grandchildren…they decided they wanted to go to university in the states…so I'm paying them a visit." She smiled, and pulled out some pictures from her purse, and showed them off to Feliciano.

The two of them chatted until they boarded the plane, Feliciano helping her with her carry-on, and helped her board the plane as well, making sure she got into her seat safely, and that no one bothered her. He even decided to switch seats with one of the passengers so that he could keep her company. They continued talking, and being kind to one another.

Feliciano loved being nice…he honestly did love people…especially little old people like this lady. They were always so kind to him…that is…until they somehow found out that he tended to like men…most of them didn't approve…but somehow it came up in conversation with this woman, and she treated him just as she had the whole trip. It made him smile, and feel normal.

"My grandson is …well..like you…" she smiled. "He's a good boy…he's a lovely boy…how old are you? You look to be about his age…you could meet him maybe!" she cheered, trying to match make him and her grandson together.

He chuckled, and blushed deeply.

"I'm honored miss…really I am…but I have feelings for someone right now…not like they like me back…"

"Well…that's okay…but…how about you just meet him…he's a very good boy…" she said again. Feliciano thought about it. Maybe he'd enjoy meeting him…just to have a friend at least…if this boy, well, young man, was anything like his grandmother, he'd love to meet him.

"Okay…I'll give him a shot." He smiled. What would the harm be? A nice, casual thing…nothing serious…he'd never be able to give anyone his heart, seeing as Ludwig still had it…

"That's fantastic! You'll love him…he's too adorable…well..handsome…" she smiled at him, squeezing his hand again. "He's picking me up, so it'll be a good chance for you two to meet…would you like a ride to where you're going?" she asked him.

"Oh, miss…that'd be wonderful…thank you so much!" he grinned, and squeezed her hand right back. After a few more minutes of talking, she yawned, and fell asleep on Feliciano's shoulder. He smiled at that, feeling like he did good…making him feel good about himself again. Two in one day…two times feeling good…

Maybe being a good person out weighs being skinny… he thought to himself…No…that's not true…that'd never be true…

_You can be both, Feliciano…you've only got a little bit more to go…you can make it…you'll do great! You'll be skinny, and nice…and kind, and handsome and beautiful! Everything you want…you've just got to work for it!_

He acknowledged his thoughts, and decided to sleep as well, resting his head back on the seat, and drifted off for the next six hours.

When the plane finally landed, Feliciano again helped the little old woman out of the plane and out into the airport so they could find her grandson. When she pointed him out to Feli, he blushed. He was very handsome indeed. Opposite of Ludwig though, in many ways. He had green eyes, and dark brown, nearly black, hair. He was slim, and tall, but not built like Ludwig was other than the height.

"Marco…this is my new friend, Feliciano…Feliciano, this is my grandson Marco." She said, and blushed a bit more. He smiled at him, and held out his hand for Marco to shake, which he did. They all got into Marco's car, and drove off to the hotel Feli'd be staying at, which just so happened to be where the meeting would be held at, as well as where Marco and his grandmother would be staying.

They all chatted, and had a good time together driving to the hotel, and they both helped out the grandmother get situated in their room. After they were settled into their rooms, she insisted that Marco and Feliciano go out for a dinner date together. Feli was a bit hesitant, but Marco was very excited to accept. He took Feli's hand in a friendly manner, and led him out of the hotel, already feeling a bit attached to the other. He was very close to his grandmother, and thus anyone who treated her well was a good person in his book.

As they walked to the hotel restaurant, they talked about everything under the sun, and while they sat to eat, they continued. That is…until Ludwig and his brother Gilbert entered. They made eye contact three seconds after Ludwig walked in, and he blushed even deeper. Gilbert saw Feli, and decided to sit at the table next to them. Feli sighed, feeling awkward, but Marco was very happy to see new faces, and have an opportunity to make new friends.

When the waiter came, he took the order from all four of them. Feliciano just ordered water. No one bothered Feliciano about that other than Ludwig.

"Feliciano..are you sure that's all you want?" he asked, remembering that Feliciano just got over the flu…or so he thought.

He didn't know what to say, so he just turned his head, trying his best to ignore him.

_He's only pointing that out because he's trying to tease you…you're only getting water? He must think you're such a prick! Like you don't think this restaurant has good food or something…he must hate you even more, because you think you're so high and mighty._

Feli sighed, and excused himself from the table. He left for the bathroom to wash his face, and clear his head. Without him knowing, Ludwig decided to follow after him.

He opened the bathroom door, and found Feliciano to be the only one in there. He took a step towards him, and grabbed onto his arm so he couldn't leave.

"Feli…are you feeling any better?" he asked hopefully.

"Si…I am…now leave me alone…" he mumbled.

"I'm not going to leave my best friend alone…I don't care if you don't consider me to be that anymore…but you are my best friend, Feli…I care about you…I worry about you…I'm so sorry for what I did to you…it'll never happen again…I shouldn't have done that…I shouldn't have assumed that…that you liked it…" he blushed, and hid his face in his hands, embarrassed.

Feliciano looked over to him. "W-what? " he asked, confused. "Of…of course I liked it…but you were being a jerk…teasing me…being mean…you were trying to make fun of me…" he whimpered, growing sad again ,remembering the events that happened between them.

"Feli…I'd never tease you…ever…Feliciano…please believe me…I'd never do that to you…" he begged the other to understand…to believe him.

Feliciano just got up, and walked to the door, leaving him without a word. Ludwig quickly followed after him, saying his name, trying to get his attention.

"Feli…Feliciano…DAMMIT! ITALY WOULD YOU STOP WALKING AWAY FROM ME!" he yelled, growing frustrated. He grabbed Italy's arm, and yanked at him, pulling him close, and making him face him. Feliciano was shaking in his grip, scared from him yelling. Where was a white flag when you needed one?

"V-ve! Don't hurt me, I'm sorry!" he yelped as a reflex. Ludwig's grip on him stayed just as tight, and he stared at him with just as much intensity.

"I'm not going to hurt you…Feliciano…please…hear me out!" he begged. By this time, the whole restaurant was watching them, making Feli feel very uncomfortable.

_They're all thinking about how fat you are…how ugly you are…how sick, and disgusting you are…Ludwig is thinking the same. _

"Feliciano..please…believe me when I say…I love you… "he said in a soft, but very loud voice, loud enough to make the whole restaurant hear. There were sounds of gasps, applause, cheers, and scoffs of disgust at the same time. Feliciano just stood there looking at him with wide, terrified eyes. Finally, Ludwig's grip loosened on him.

"Well…?" he asked, hoping to get a good response.

He didn't. Feliciano pulled himself free from Ludwig, and ran away, out of the restaurant, crying.

_Who could love you? _


	7. Pretend

Marco ran after him, dashing out of the restaurant, he had to make sure his new friend was okay. He finally found Feliciano by the bushes at the corner outside the hotel, dry heaving from how stressed and how shocked he was. He couldn't do anything other than tremble. Marco slowly walked up to him, called his name softly, and placed a gentle hand on Feliciano's shoulder.

"Hey…come on…let's go back to our rooms….take a shower…watch some tv…do something to get your mind off of this…okay?" he smiled kindly, his voice and words as smooth and as soothing as honey is to a sore throat. Feliciano slowly looked back, and up at him. His eyes were red, and had tears streaming down his cheeks, which had bright red blotches all over them from his stomach forcing the little bile he had in his stomach up and out.

Marco held his hand out to Feliciano, and nervously, Feliciano took it. He placed his trembling hand in Marco's warm, strong one, and the two walked back into the hotel. Without either of them knowing, Ludwig was standing outside of the restaurant, waiting to see if he could find Feliciano, help him…but…no…It seemed that Marco had that under control. He sighed, blushing from embarrassment from his outburst of a confession. But when he saw the two men, the one he loved, and Feli's new friend, walk away back into the hotel, hand in hand…his heart broke…and he paled. In the span of four minutes, his world had come crumbling down around his feet, and he was falling fast and hard. He wanted to run to him…to call out to him…do something to gain his best friend's attention…to try to clear everything up with him. Make him realize that his confession was real…But he felt deep in his gut that Feli wouldn't believe him no matter what he did.

When Marco and Feliciano entered the hotel, Ludwig went back into the restaurant with his brother, and finished eating, though he didn't really have the appetite. He got many looks of sympathy, and he smiled kindly at the people who were feeling sorry for him. He barely ate his food…but later that night, Ludwig went over to the bar with Gilbert, and began drinking away his sorrows. He always felt better after a beer…or two…or three….but this time...this time was different. He didn't need to feel better…he needed to feel invincible. He needed to feel as if his world was patched back up, and that everything that happen, didn't happen.

The night wore on and on for both Ludwig and Feliciano. Both doing their own separate thing.

_**Feliciano**_:

He walked to his room, Marco following to make sure he would be okay, and in case he got sick again. He sat down on the couch in Feli's hotel room, and laid back, sighing as it had been a long day for him as well. He stripped into his boxers, not really caring who saw. Marco didn't seem like the type of person to make fun of fat people, so he didn't really care. He folded his suit nicely on the bed, and Marco turned over to look at him. His eyes widened in …in some emotion that was very unreadable.

_He thinks you're fat._

_He thinks you're ugly._

_He's staring because you're so hideous. _

_He hates you now. _

_Who could even want to be friends with someone like you? _

_Who looks like you? _

_Who acts like you? _

_Someone who gets so nervous they get sick? _

_Someone who cries at the drop of a hat? _

_Someone as pathetic…_

_Stupid…_

_Ugly._

_Fat. _

_Fat. _

_Fat. _

_Fat. _

_Fat. _

_Fat. _

_Fat. _

_Fat. _

Feliciano did his best not to cry. He was a crybaby as the voice told him, he couldn't do that anymore…he had to be strong…no one likes a cry baby…they like people who don't show when they're sad…he's supposed to be the always happy Feliciano…right? He'd be that again…he wouldn't let this get in the way of his life. He wouldn't let the world know how horribly miserable he was…he wouldn't let anyone find out how tragic his life was …has been his whole life….He took a deep breath, grabbed a towel and walked into the bathroom. He smiled when he entered the shower. He had the water a little too hot, but he didn't care. He liked it that way. He liked how the water made it feel like his skin was being seared off. He didn't really enjoy the pain…but he liked what it meant. He was repenting for his "sin" of being fat; and that as his skin felt like it was being burned away…he would have another clean, pure layer underneath…a new skin…almost like a baby…it was a sign of new beginnings to him.

Feliciano washed himself, and stepped out of the shower when he was all rinsed off. He wrapped himself in a towel, and with shaky legs and a dizzy head, left the bathroom when he was dried off. He walked into the main room, and saw Marco sitting, waiting for him. The man stood up, tall in comparison to Feliciano. He rested his hands on his shoulders, and stared him in the eyes.

"…are you okay?" he asked in a serious tone, eyes swimming with concern for the other. Feli just cocked his head to the side, giving him a look of confusion.

"Huh? What are you talking about? " he asked, then a lightbulb flashed in his mind.

"Oh! From earlier. Si! The shower really, really helped. " he smiled at him, feeling very refreshed. It was a new day for him, and he was so happy to feel a little free again, but with Marco staring him down…he couldn't shake that his feeling would soon be gone.

"What is it?" Feliciano asked in a nervous voice. Was he really as hideous as his voice told him he was? Was he really that grotesque, and fat? Probably….

"You look like you've just come out of a volcano, Feliciano…" he explained, taking his hands off the other, revealing white hand prints on his bright red skin. That was just how hot the temperature was when he was showering. Feli winced, finally feeling the burn.

Marco sighed, and led Feli over to the bed so he could sit down.

"Feliciano…I think you're a little too sick right now…you really should go to bed…I'm worried…" he said with a warm smile, soothing and comforting. Feli nodded, and stood up, walking to his closet to find some night wear to put on so he could sleep clothes. He unwrapped the towel around his waist, his hip bones sticking out, as well as showing off a growing gap between his legs. Marco didn't want to say anything. He had just met the man…for all he knew, he could naturally be this thin..but he doubted that, he'd still hold off on commenting on his body yet…not until he had some evidence, or proof that something was wrong with Feliciano.

Feliciano felt so dizzy when he bent over to get his pajamas out of his suit case, and quickly stood back up when he felt like he'd pass out, but standing up wasn't too good of an idea. His knees shook, and his vision went black, and he fell back, Marco catching him quickly before he hit the floor. Feliciano was still conscious…but he couldn't hear him calling his name…the ringing in his ear was just too loud. He blinked, vision coming back slowly, and he tilted his head to where a sudden gust of wind came from. He saw the door open, and the blurry outline of a man standing there before the two of them.

_**Ludwig**_:

Ludwig grumbled, and mumbled under his breath after his third beer. He wasn't even saying sentences, just random words that expressed how he was feeling…or at least it was him trying to express how he was feeling…and he was failing. Even his Prussian brother sitting next to him had no clue what he was saying. He was at a loss for words…mainly because he was getting drunk too…though not s much as Ludwig was. He knew that he'd need to keep an eye on his little brother to make sure he didn't hurt himself somehow, or get into a bar fight, or something to that degree.

Gilbert watched and listened to his brother ramble on, until finally he heard a comprehendible sentence.

"I want Feli…" he whimpered in a sad, slurred voice. His bottom lip trembled, and his eyes began to water. Wow…was he always this big of an emotional drunk? Gilbert thought to himself, laughing a bit, as he patted Ludwig's shoulder. Ludwig leaned onto his brother, and took another sip, spilling some of the beer onto Gilbert and himself. He froze.

"S-sorry, Sorry! Gil…I didn't mean to! I'm sorry!" he panicked, and handed napkin after napkin to his brother. Gil just rolled his eyes.

"Not so awesome, Bruder." He laughed. He knew that if he got mad at the other, or showed any sign of being ticked off at his accident, Ludwig would surely be even more sad than he already was. Ludwig smiled a bit, and chuckled, sitting up as he gulped down his fourth, then fifth beer. He was getting a little bit more than tipsy now.

After three more beers, Ludwig carefully got to his feet, and loosened his tie, and the collar of his shirt, unbuttoning it a bit. He felt warm, and a little claustrophobic in his clothes.

"Bruder…I'm going to bed…I'll see you up in the room." He said, smiling handsomely at him, making Gilbert blush a little, just chuckling a bit at how cute he thought his brother was. He'd grown up to be very handsome. Gilbert made sure Ludwig got out of the restaurant okay, and went back to the bar to hit on everyone who sat down, and later called for Antonio, and Francis to come down and join him; which they did.

Ludwig had frowned once he got out of the building, and walked along the side walk to the hotel's main entrance. He was frowning because he felt guilty for lying to Gilbert. He wasn't going to their room, but instead was leaving to go find Feliciano. He could guess which room he'd be in, because Feliciano had a favorite, as well as lucky number he always used.: 1806. He didn't understand why the number was so significant…but Feliciano used it for everything…it was how he usually found Feliciano at hotels. First floor…room 806. He nodded to himself, and walked down the halls of the first floor, trying his best not to walk face first into the walls, and he was doing pretty good at it too. He managed to find the room, and saw that the door was unlocked. He sighed, rolling his eyes. He walked towards it, and heard some noises…grunts of sorts.

"C-come on Feli…work with me…it's okay…I know it hurts…you can handle it…" came Marco's voice. Ludwig's face turned bright red in embarrassment at what he was hearing, and then even brighter red in anger, and jealousy. He slammed the door open, and saw the scene going on. Feliciano was underneath Marco on the bed, Marco holding Feli down…though for once…it really wasn't what it looked like. Feliciano's eyes were fluttering open and shut, eyes rolling around.

Ludwig growled, and ran at Marco, not knowing that he had actually just tripped and landed on top of Feli while he was trying to help Feli onto the bed so he could be comfortable, and looked after..but no…this was a bad position to be in…and Marco realized that when he saw Ludwig charge him. Ludwig knocked Marco off of Feli, and pushed him against the wall.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!?" He spat, furious, ready to punch the other man in the face.

"Wait! Wait! Please, let me explain to you wh-what happened! Please! I beg you! I have cousins in Dresden!" he said, trying to find some familiar ground with Ludwig in vane attempts to get him to calm down, and think of him differently. Ludwig let go a little…not that he wanted to…he was just too weak and dizzy at the moment to pin him against the wall any longer. He sighed.

"Explain." He hissed, the smell of beer wafting over to Marco. Marco gagged, he was more of a wine man…and didn't care for beer in the slightest. Before Marco could begin to say what happened, Feliciano stirred in the bed.

"….Ludwig…" he said in a soft voice, curling up into a ball. He had fallen asleep. He was tired, and was finally getting the rest he needed and deserved. He smiled in his sleep, hugging a long, fluffy pillow against him. Ludwig gave a soft smile at him, blushing deeply at him. It was things like this that convinced Ludwig that Feli really did love him back…even if the other refused to admit it.

"Please…nothing happened…when Feliciano wakes up…you can ask him…now...it sounds like he wants you…you should be with him…I can tell…he likes you…he probably has for a long time now, or else he wouldn't have acted the way he did…" he smiled warmly, trying to comfort the other, as well as try to make Ludwig ease his grip on his shirt.

"This is Gucci…please let go…." He begged, and Ludwig finally obliged after a minute or two. It took him a while to have the words process in his head of what Marco was asking of him, when he understood, he let the other go.

"Leave…and let me and Feliciano be alone…I'll look after him…Danke for taking care of him…if that's what you were doing…if you weren't…consider yourself dead for touching him with any malicious intention. " he growled fiercely. Marco gulped, and nodded. He had nothing to worry about because he hadn't done anything…but that didn't stop him from being greatly intimidated by Ludwig none the less.

Marco left the room, making sure that Feli was okay, and before he left, he quickly wrote down his number, and handed it to Ludwig. "If you need me, or he needs me…just give me a call, and I'll be right over…" he said seriously, and left, leaving Feliciano and Ludwig alone together. Feli was shivering naked on the bed, the only warmth he got was from his pillow, which provided little to no heat. Ludwig smiled at him, and brought a robe over to him, wrapping his body up in it, and then laid the blankets down on him, till he saw Feliciano stop shivering. He smiled, and took his shoes off, as well as his suit, until he was just in a teeshirt, boxers, and socks. He crawled into bed with Feliciano…too drunk to really realize that it was probably a bad idea…and how Feliciano would probably flip out when he woke up the next morning…but Ludwig wasn't thinking like that. He was only thinking about how tired he was…how sleepy, and how cute Feli was …as well as how cold his friend looked, and how he automatically felt the need to keep the other warm.

He wrapped his arms around Feliciano's body, and cuddled under the blankets, holding Feli close like they used to do…before all of this mess happened when Ludwig had gone too far…he really had no self control…he was working on it though…to be a better man for Feliciano…to try to impress Feliciano…just as Feli was always trying to impress Ludwig…though Ludwig didn't do it to the same degree Feliciano did it.

Feli turned around in Ludwig's arms, and faced him, nuzzling his face into Ludwig's chest, smiling against him. He felt warm, and at peace, as well as safe and protected. He couldn't help but wrap his arms around Ludwig as well. He loved how Ludwig felt against him…though, he really didn't know it was Ludwig…he was dreaming again…in a world of his own. He weakly pulled Ludwig closer to him, and snuggled with him.

He was begging for more warmth, intertwining their legs together, cuddling into Ludwig's body. He grinned softly in his sleep, and drifted off even deeper, not thinking about anything other than about how peaceful he was feeling. For the first time in a long time, Feli was at peace. He loved how blissful it felt…to be with the one he loved …even if it was only a dream…(or what he thought was only a dream.)

Ludwig kissed the top of his head. "Ich liebe dich, meine liebe…." He sighed out, and held him just a little tighter, till he himself fell asleep.

The two stayed that way till morning, curled up in each other, holding one another close, basking in each other's heat. Feliciano was the first to wake up, and saw that he was tangled up in Ludwig's grasp. He panicked, trying to squirm out of it, freaking out. He began pushing against Ludwig's chest, trying to wake him, but he was too hung over from last night to be bothered to wake up, despite Feliciano's desperate attempts to wake the other. Ludwig just kept holding on, and cuddled into him even closer, like quicksand…the harder you struggle, the faster you sink.

Feliciano ended up giving up, and just began shaking in fear. Tears fell down his eyes, and rolled down his cheeks. He hated how he was feeling now…the happiness was all gone. The real world was back…the pain…the self hate. He looked down at himself. Ludwig could barely fit his arms around him…he was that fat…The only parts of their bodies that were his large stomach that had huge rolls. He felt so sad…so ashamed. And to top it off, he was naked…everything was showing…all of his fat…his stretch marks…his cellulite…everything…he sobbed softly, but remembered that Ludwig didn't like cry babies, so he managed to shut himself up.

_Be strong, Feliciano…_

_ Be brave ,Feliciano…_

_ Ludwig doesn't like it when you act like this…_

_ No one likes it when you act like this…_

_ You're such a baby…_

_ You're so pathetic…_

_ There's nothing good about you Feliciano…_

Feli gulped, and closed his eyes, breathing deeply, trying to relax. It was easier than he imagined. He always felt comfortable and safe in Ludwig's arms, and this was no exception. As terrible as he felt….he felt calm and at ease now that he had assessed the situation around him. He felt at peace…at ease. He sighed, and curled up more into Ludwig, who chose then of all times to wake up.

"Guten morgen…Feliciano…" he yawned out softly, and with an absent mind, kissed his forehead, causing Feliciano to blush. He didn't pull away…he didn't want to upset Ludwig…and he didn't want to restrict himself of the comfort Ludwig was giving him…though lately it had been Ludwig who had been causing him the discomfort. He didn't care though…forgive and forget….

"Bongiorno…Ludwig…" he said back, not caring about anything right now…if Ludwig would tease him later on…he didn't care…if Ludwig was doing this to hurt him somehow…he didn't care…he'd been through worse than some bullying…he could tolerate it…he just wanted to feel those moments of bliss again.

He tightened the hug for a moment, before letting Feliciano completely go as he got up…leaving Feliciano alone and cold. The Italian reached out and grabbed Ludwig's hand, begging him not to go.

"T-too cold…l-lay with me…please…" he begged.

"But, Feliciano…we've got to get going…we'll be late for the meeting…we've over slept…" he explained, shaking his head sadly. He wanted nothing more than to lay with the other. He felt so happy when he was holding Feliciano close…happy to protect him…happy to keep him safe…he felt like it was more than just his job to do so…it wasn't an obligation…it was what he wanted to do…keeping the one he loved happy and safe meant the world to him.

"…oh…yeah…" he sighed softly, and got out of the bed, shivering. Ludwig wrapped a blanket around him so he was warm.

"Better?" he asked, and Feliciano nodded, smiling at Ludwig.

"Si…Grazie, Ludwig…" he said, before asking a question. "What are you doing here….I mean..like…why are you here? With me? Why aren't you out with some pretty girl…or…or with a friend, or Gil…or …just why me?" he asked, so confused, and was needing an answer.

"Feli…I'm not with anyone else, because I don't love, or want anyone else…my confession last night…it was real…it was honest…and I meant it…I love you, Feliciano…you have no clue how hard that is for me to say…it makes my heart race…and it's just…so very complicated…and I don't understand it…but I do understand that I love you…and that I long to be with you…and only you…who needs anyone else when I've got you?" he asked, grinning sweetly, and pulled him into a hug. Feliciano sighed, and hugged back…well, not really hugged…just kinda leaned back against him instead.

"…oh, Ludwig…" he smiled, feeling so happy with his word…but he still didn't believe what Ludwig was saying…though…it was so nice to pretend that his words were real…

"Ludwig…I…I don't know what to say…" he whispered softly.

"Say…say that you love me back…that you'll be with me…say that you want me as badly as I want you…" he said, blushing so much he looked like he had a bad fever.

"Oh….L-Ludwig…I…I wish I could…" he whimpered, feeling sad again. He pushed Ludwig away, and walked to his suit case to get dressed. He wore another black suit, and put it on, leaving Ludwig in silence.

"What do you mean 'I wish I could.'…Feli…you can…please…you can…why don't you want to…do…do you honestly not feel the same way as I feel for you?" he asked.

"Non…Ludwig…that's not it…it's just…I can't …I can't trust that you really love me…your words…they're the sweetest most beautiful things that have ever been said to me…but…I don't believe them." He said softly, tying his shoes.

"How could someone as perfect as you…ever…ever fall for someone like me…" he asked, and walked to the door.

"…I'll see you at the meeting…and when I see you there…we'll pretend like none of this ever happened…" he said, and turned to face Ludwig briefly. He refused to cry. He refused to show weakness…to show any sign of pain…He'd be strong from this day forth.


End file.
